Learning to share with grace is a long process for young children, but each moment of struggle is a rich opportunity for them to develop critical skills.
Why is sharing so challenging?
Children at this age haven’t yet developed the ability to empathize and put themselves in another’s shoes. This doesn't mean they are selfish or that parenting has failed; it’s simply a developmental phase where children are focused on their own immediate desires.
A national parent survey by ZERO TO THREE revealed that 43% of parents believe children should master sharing by age 2, while in reality, these skills typically develop between ages 3.5 to 4. Understanding this can help parents manage expectations and reduce frustration when children struggle with turn-taking.
Strategies to Support Young Children in Learning to Share
1. Ensure Safety: When young children feel threatened, they might respond aggressively by grabbing, hitting, or throwing things. Close intervention with calm authority is crucial. Statements like “I can’t let you hit,” or “No grabbing,” can help manage the situation.
2. Narrate the Situation: Describing the conflict can slow things down and create space for problem-solving. For example, saying, “Two children want the same trains! Sam picked them up, and Jade grabbed them. Now both are crying,” can help children understand the sequence of events and their feelings.
3. Offer a “Long Turn”: Allowing a child a longer turn with a toy can prevent immediate conflicts. For instance, “Sam, take your time with those trains, and Jade can play with these other ones until you’re done,” helps children understand that sharing doesn’t mean giving up a toy right away.
4. Use a Timer or Clock: When deciding turn lengths independently isn’t practical, a timer can serve as a neutral party to indicate when it’s time to share. The timer takes the pressure off adults and sets a clear boundary for the children.
5. Reflect Feelings: Acknowledge both children's emotions. Saying, “You took that train because it looked fun, but he picked it up first,” validates their feelings and teaches empathy. ➜
6. Provide Emotion-Coaching: Often, the child waiting for a turn experiences intense emotions. Listening and validating these feelings can help them move past their frustration and learn patience.
7. Guide Solution-Finding: Encourage children to brainstorm ways to share or solve a problem. For example, ask, “We need to stir the batter for our cookies, but I only have one spoon. What should we do?” This empowers children to think creatively and collaboratively.
8. Offer Social Information and Confidence: Once calm, provide feedback about sharing and behavior expectations. For example, “Next time you want something, ask, ‘Can I have a turn?’ instead of grabbing,” reinforces positive behavior.
Learning to share is a gradual process that even some adults haven’t fully mastered. By viewing conflicts as opportunities for teaching self-regulation, empathy, and conflict resolution, we can help children develop the skills they need to share gracefully.
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