Time-Ins, Not Time-Outs: A Calmer Way to Teach Young Kids Self-Control

As parents, it’s natural to want to guide our kids toward better behavior—but it can be tricky to know how to do that without creating power struggles or hurt feelings. Especially when emotions are running high, many parents turn to traditional time-outs. But what if there were a more connected, compassionate alternative?

That’s where Time-Ins come in.

What Are Time-Ins?

Time-Ins shift the focus from punishment to teaching. Instead of isolating a child until the clock says time is up, Time-Ins help kids pause, reflect, and return to calm with your support right beside them. It’s not about “sitting out” until a parent says so—it’s about giving kids the space to choose when they’re ready to make things right.

This approach works best once your toddler starts to understand simple cause and effect—usually around 18 months or so. At this stage, they’re capable of beginning to make connections between actions and consequences, and of learning that they have the power to change their behavior.

Why Choose Time-Ins?

Unlike time-outs, which can sometimes make kids feel rejected or ashamed, Time-Ins strengthen the parent-child connection. You’re not sending your child away for acting out—you’re staying with them, calmly and patiently, while they find their way back to cooperation.

When children feel emotionally safe and supported, they’re more open to learning self-control. And in the long run, that’s the goal: not to scare them into behaving, but to help them want to make good choices—because they care about your approval and feel capable of doing better.

How Do Time-Ins Work?

Let’s say your toddler throws a sandwich on the floor. First, calmly state what you want: “Please pick the sandwich up off the floor.”

If your child refuses, let them know they need to sit quietly (either right there or in a designated “ready spot”) until they’re ready to follow through. Stay nearby. You’re not scolding or lecturing—just calmly waiting with them.

You might ask, “Are you ready to pick up the sandwich now?” If they say no, that’s okay. Gently encourage them to sit quietly until they are ready. No toys, no distractions—just a quiet moment to reset.

If they say yes but then don’t follow through, say: “Hmm, looks like you’re not quite ready yet. Sit down again, and let me know when you really are.”

This gives your child ownership over their choices. And the beauty of it? Once they realize it’s up to them, most kids start making better decisions quickly. Soon, just mentioning a Time-In may be enough for them to pause and choose cooperation right away.

A Few Tips:

• Start when you have time. Don’t try a Time-In during a busy time of the day (e.g. right before you’re rushing out the door)

• Be consistent. It may take a few days—or up to two weeks for older kids—but they’ll catch on.

• Stay calm and connected. Your steady presence is what makes Time-Ins so effective.

Bottom Line: Time-Ins teach kids that they’re capable of calming themselves and making better choices—all while feeling supported, not shamed. It’s a simple but powerful shift that builds emotional intelligence, strengthens your bond, and creates a more peaceful home.

Make sure to check out our book recommendations that help children understand complex emotions!